How To Go From Disappointed To Excited About Dating Again In 3 Simple Steps

by Randi Gunther

You want a deep, meaningful relationship—with someone who sticks by you.

So you’ve made a plan to date as much as possible.

You’ve told all your friends to be on the lookout for any potential single men they can set you up with.

You’ve polished and repolished your online dating profile and spend hours weekly swiping left and right or fielding messages.

You’ve cleared your weekend schedule for potential coffee dates and meet-ups.

You’ve made it a point to be friendly to any attractive men you “bump into” around town, and have even joined a couple of clubs where you know single men may be members.

But all you’re meeting are people who can barely make a commitment for next weekend, let alone a lifetime.

Sure, you’ve had some fun coffee dates, shared a laugh or two, or enjoyed a long and interesting conversation with someone at a party. But nothing ever seems to come of it.

You may never see or hear from that man again.

Or you meet a man that makes you think, “This is the guy” and a few weeks in, he flakes out, disappears or gets back with his ex. Ouch.

Or maybe at this point you’ve been on so many first dates, you can’t even keep track. Almost none of the men you met felt “right” to you, or if they did, they didn’t seem to be as interested in YOU.

You’re tired of going on dates and coming up empty. You’re tired of the devastating cycle of getting your hopes up over somebody only to have everything come crashing down again and having to start over.

You wonder if you should give up on dating for a while. Maybe focus more on yourself, or your career, or just hibernate at home and do some remodeling.

Sure, you’d RATHER have romance and a life partner, and it’s not like you haven’t been trying.

You don’t know what you’re doing wrong. Is it you?

Is it men?

Is it the way dating is these days?

You’re fed up, burned out, and disillusioned.

You used to be excited and curious, now you just feel sluggish and jaded.

SOMETHING has to change.

So let’s change things right now, beginning with your mindset.

The Critical Mindset Shift That Attracts Love

As long as you view dating as a chore, you’re going to hate it. And you’re going to show up from this negative stance, which is not conducive to getting the results you want.

Here are two reasons why your current mindset is working against you:

First, negativity isn’t attractive. And people will sense it, even if you’re not directly communicating how much you dislike dating.

You may let it “slip” how tiresome dating has become. Or you’ll come across as unenthusiastic, with flat affect. Your date will wonder if he did or said something wrong.

Or you’ll find yourself complaining about your past dates and the entire process itself.

It’s just not a pleasant “vibe” to the person you’re meeting for the first time.

Second, staying stuck in negativity takes your focus away from what truly matters in finding love.

Instead of focusing on quality, you’re focused on quantity. This means you’ll date MORE in order to increase your chances of finding a partner, without worrying whether or not the men you’re meeting are even a good match in the first place.

You just want to stop dating, and you figure the only way to do that, is to make a connection with someone, and that means giving just about ANYONE a chance.

You’ll start relationships with unsuitable people.

This adds to your jaded mindset because you have even more “evidence” of how difficult it is to connect with a quality partner.

It’s a vicious cycle, and right now, you may be caught in the middle of it.

Look, I get it. I know it can be hard to be positive about something that has brought you so much grief, and it’s hard to know where to start.

The 3 Steps To Shift Into A More Positive Mindset That Attracts Love

Most people don’t know where to start. They don’t even think they have a problem! Instead, they blame men, dating, circumstances—without ever taking the time to ponder what they may be doing that is pushing potential partners away.

That’s why, after working with hundreds of single patients over the past 40+ years, I’ve developed a 3-step process that automatically shifts you into a positive mindset about dating AND primes you to find the love of your life. The 3 steps are:

1. Knowing who you are
2. Knowing what you want, and
3. Knowing what to do (and what to avoid) from the first moments of connection

This 3 step process—although seeming simple—can completely TRANSFORM your dating experiences. Let me explain a little more about each one.

#1 Knowing Who You Are

The most important person in this dating game is YOU. Before you become intimate with anyone, you must have an intimate relationship with yourself.

And by that I mean that you need to sharpen your self-awareness—including what has made you the person you are, what you have to offer a partner, and even what you need to improve.

This complete package is what you are asking another person to love, so YOU need to love it first.

With a clear understanding of who you are and what you bring to a relationship, you also need to know how to present your “package” to potential partners.

I have sat with countless wonderful people who came to my office very unsure of themselves, with a vague understanding of who they were. These same people inevitably would get involved in relationships that never quite got off the ground.

When you embrace your whole self, you will be able to show up with confidence, strength, and compassion—instead of getting thrown off by the pressures of modern dating.

#2 Knowing What You Want (And Don’t Want)

You may have heard that you find love when you’re not looking for it, but that’s not exactly true.

When you have a solid goal of having a great relationship AND you develop the skills you need to create that relationship, you change your vibe from fearful and searching to hopeful and curious.

That’s when love finds you.

For this to happen, you need a careful balance of knowing the kind of partner you want while allowing yourself to be surprised.

Another pitfall of modern dating is that you end up overthinking everything.

Instead of living in the moment and allowing the adventure to unfold, you get locked into fixed mindsets and preconceived ideas.

For true romance and love to bloom, you need to get your thinking out of it. Yet, like any great adventure, you also need some clear parameters of what you’re willing and not willing to explore.

So, we’re not talking about whether your mate will have blue eyes or blond hair.

Instead, you need to have a clear idea of the kind of relationship and lifestyle you want for yourself, and that includes any dealbreakers—like whether it’s ok if your partner doesn’t want children or already has them. Or whether you can handle someone who needs to be very social when you’d rather stay in.

When you know your deal breakers up front and commit to sticking to them, you prevent yourself from being blinded by early chemistry.

#3 Knowing What To Do (And What To Avoid)

There are ways to interact from the first few moments of connection that will set the stage for an authentic, lasting relationship.

I’m talking about asking specific questions as early as the first date—questions that you previously would have avoided because you thought they were too forward or intrusive.

The reality is that people are MUCH more likely to tell you what they’re all about when they haven’t yet invested in a relationship. The irony is that as they “spill the beans,” you’ll be accomplishing two things:

You’ll create connection that is much more profound than you’d normally experience so early on—the kind of connection that lets two people know that something special is happening. And this kind of connection is like crazy glue that will hold you together.

On the other hand, you’ll also be able to tell very early—before you get your heart involved—if this person does NOT have what it takes to create lasting love with you.

The Critical Importance Of Your First Few Dates

How you handle the early stages of dating, and specifically, these 3 steps of knowing yourself, your needs, and what to do or avoid, are critical to your happiness in love. After 40 years of counseling couples in crisis, I’ve seen over and over that the majority of their struggles could have been prevented had they practiced these 3 steps earlier, even before the first date.

Prevention is SO much easier than damage control. I want to teach you everything I know to have the best possible advantage at finding love NOW, which is why I poured my decades of experience into one program that is designed with one goal in mind: Dating Rehab.

Dating Rehab will fast track the dating process for you, put an end to the boring, shallow, and confusing world of dating today—and get you into the right relationship with a partner who will cherish you for exactly who you are, bring out the best in you, and create a love that is unbreakable.

You’ll get 6 hours of audio instruction plus exercises and questionnaires carefully designed to bring you true love as quickly as possible. We’ll cover:

• Knowing who you are: including a detailed, brutally honest self-assessment quiz that will give you a clear picture of what you have to offer a mate and what you might like to work on—so that you can present the best of yourself on your dates
• Knowing what you want: we’ll identify what you truly need to be happy in a relationship, and we’ll also get specific about your deal breakers so you don’t wind up in a situation you’ll later regret
• Knowing what to do: I’m going to give you a veritable cheat sheet of specific questions and conversation topics you should bring up early on with a prospective partner in order to kick-start intimacy and determine whether a relationship is worth pursuing

I want you to ultimately STOP dating so you can finally start enjoying your love adventure of a lifetime, and I know I can help you get there faster than you dreamed possible.

xoxo,
Dr. Randi

P.S. Instant chemistry is always a result of people projecting their fantasies and gaps onto each other. Real chemistry and intimacy take time to develop.

Here’s how to avoid partners who will only break your heart and instead build a soul-satisfying partnership that you can enjoy the rest of your life: