by Randi Gunther
Have you ever been on a date where you felt intense chemistry?
The conversation flowed, you were both staring intently and excitedly at each other, and you could just feel your heart leaping in your chest.
My guess is that you’ve had several experiences like this.
Maybe they led to second or third dates. Maybe these dates eventually turned into romantic flings that lasted quite a few weeks or months.
And yet, you aren’t with any of these people right now.
How can this be? How can you have such an incredible connection with someone, and yet it doesn’t turn into lasting love?
It certainly felt like love.
But after the initial flush of lust and excitement wore off, you realized that this person was all wrong for you. Their values were completely opposite of yours, or they had deeper, hidden personality issues that you couldn’t tolerate once they became apparent.
Or they told you that they weren’t ready to have a real relationship right now. Maybe they abruptly stopped calling you and you don’t know what happened.
How could it have been love if it fizzled out so quickly?
How can you even trust yourself to know what the beginning of real love feels like? You’ve been fooled so many times.
You’ve gotten your hopes up, thought that this was really IT, only to have to go back to the drawing board.
I can really sympathize with you, because I’ve had the privilege of working with hundreds of men and women in exactly your shoes.
When they come to be with yet another “false start,” here’s what I tell them.
Dating Today Is Like Being In A Pressure Cooker
Dating today is hard. The stakes are high and the competition is tough. Online dating has made it very easy to meet someone, but paradoxically it is much harder to make a lasting connection.
You worry that your date has so many options out there, and that if you say and do just one “wrong” thing, you’ll be passed up for someone else.
This kind of environment changes your vibe on a date—and it changes your date’s vibe, too.
With so much hanging in the balance, both of you are under tremendous internal and external pressure to get it right.
Some pressure is coming from inside you… because you’re fed up with dating and having to get out there again.
And some of the pressure is also coming from a dating system that moves very quickly, so that you feel like just a number.
This means when you go into a date meeting someone for the first time, you usually want one of two things, either:
- to be able to write off the person because they’re not right for you, or
- to finally click with someone in a profound way that leads no shadow of a doubt you belong together
Anxious Beginnings And Fragile Connections
When there is so much riding on a single date, you naturally become anxious. You want to get this right.
So you become hyper aware of how you are presenting yourself—measuring your words, being agreeable, and trying hard not to “rock the boat.”
But anxiety keeps you from being present and relaxed in the moment. You are so caught up in what might happen in the future that you can’t really experience what’s unfolding on the date.
If you happen to meet someone and there is mutual chemistry, you might also start to envision them as the answer to all your prayers.
Even though you barely know them, you will enlist them as your “savior”—the person who has finally arrived to make everything right.
If your date is doing this with you, too, then guess what? You have the perfect recipe for false chemistry.
False chemistry is that intense “connection” that happens when you barely know somebody.
You may think the excited feelings you’re having indicate the beginning of a long, beautiful romance, but they are just as likely to indicate a fleeting encounter.
Why?
Because true chemistry takes time to develop. And it can only develop when two people are NOT in anxious mode—but rather when they have been able to relax and be present in the moment.
Real Chemistry: How To Tell If You Have It
Just because you and your date talked until the restaurant closed doesn’t mean you have real chemistry.
And just because you shared a memorable kiss doesn’t mean you have it, either.
Rather, the elements of real chemistry are much less “romantic,” yet when you add them up they lead to ultimate romance and security, because your love will be proven over time.
You can be fairly certain you have real chemistry if you have this:
- You and your partner don’t agree about a lot of things, and you’re not afraid to speak your mind
- Your partner doesn’t have any deal breakers that you can’t live with
- You and your partner strive to make up as soon as possible after disagreements
- You and your partner have different needs as far as connection, but you never ignore those needs, or each other
- You and your partner feel you’re in an equal partnership—nobody is vying for control
Are you surprised?
Did you think chemistry was more about romance and being swept off your feet?
The truth is that many people can woo you and romance you. But you’re not looking for MANY. You’re looking for ONE—the one person who can build a strong relationship year after year, well beyond your first few dates.
If you’re ready to stop the seemingly endless cycle of dating and instead fast-track your way to the love of your life, I invite you to join me in Dating Rehab.
Dating Rehab is a completely different kind of dating program.
In it, I’ll teach you my highly-effective method for getting different results in your love life. You’ll learn how to quickly identify partners who aren’t right for you and instead attract the one person who will love you for life.
Then, I’ll show you how to create REAL chemistry from the beginning—the kind of bond that holds you two together through the challenges that derail most couples, even those who started out with “intense chemistry.”
In Section 5 of Dating Rehab, I’ll talk to you about “Stay-In-Love Couples”—the remarkable people I’ve met over the years who have shared their secrets with me about relationship longevity.
You’ll learn why communication is vital to keeping chemistry alive for the long run, and how to share even the most difficult feelings while strengthening your connection.
Once you start following my approach to dating, you will:
- Feel a complete shift in your dating experiences
- Begin to experience deeper, more energizing connections on your dates
- Notice a completely different dynamic on dates, your confidence will soar, and you’ll start to see men leaning into you—wanting more
And yet identifying real chemistry is just one of the many challenges in dating today. Dating today is a completely different animal than it was even just 10 years ago, so if you’re getting back out there again after a relationship, you will get so much out of Dating Rehab.
Dating Rehab will uncover the many misconceptions and pitfalls in dating today. When you’re not prepared for these challenges, dating can feel like a never-ending minefield. You’ll make more mistakes, get frustrated, waste a lot of time, and feel like giving up. With this program, I take you by the hand and teach you how to get from that first “hello” all the way to a strong, committed relationship.
When you finally get a taste of real chemistry, you’ll look back and realize that the intense connections you thought you had were no match for lasting love.
xoxo,
Dr. Randi
