3 Ways “Talking” Makes Your Relationship Problems Worse

by Pat Love

I can’t tell you how often I hear from couples that the reason they think they can’t seem to get along or solve their problems is because of poor communication.

Either one or the other person will say something to the effect of:

My husband doesn’t like to talk about our issues. He walks away every time I bring them up.

I can’t take the nagging anymore. Why can’t I make her happy?

Why doesn’t he get how much his behavior upsets me?

I feel as if I’m failing her, no matter what I do.

And finally, statements like this are commonplace:

We talk about it until we’re blue in the face but nothing really changes.

Do You Feel Like a Broken Record? Here’s the Surprising Reason Why

Nothing changes because contrary to what you may have believed your entire life, talking about problems in your relationship doesn’t necessarily solve them.

It doesn’t bring you closer as a couple.

It doesn’t make him “get” how much he’s screwing up.

It doesn’t make her happier or feel more loved.

Why? Because most couples have the wrong idea about what role talking about the relationship should play in their relationship.

Talking isn’t a panacea that will magically solve all your conflicts and bring you closer. In fact, it can often make your problems worse, and there are several reasons why.

The 3 Reasons Why “Talking About It” Is Putting MORE of a Strain in Your Relationship

In my clinical practice, I would often counsel couples who were frustrated because no amount of talking brought them closer or permanently solved their problems.

Here are three of the most common reasons why:

Reason #1: Because Men and Women Respond Differently to Talking Through Conflict and Problems

Most men dread hearing, “Honey, we need to talk.”

Why? Is it because men don’t care about how women feel? Is it because they just want to be left alone and not “nagged”? No, it’s not because of that.

It’s because—for the most part—men and women respond differently to talking through conflicts.

When women get upset or feel unhappy, they want to feel connected again. And for them, talking helps. Talking helps them feel heard and it helps them relax.

When men are confronted by an upset or unhappy partner, talking it through doesn’t make them feel better.

Instead, when a man hears a woman bring up a problem—through complaining, suggesting, or venting— he’s likely to believe that he’s disappointed his partner and he feels ashamed. He freezes up, gets defensive and shuts down.

Now, I realize that this is a generalization and that not all women like talking through problems and not all men get defensive or shut down. But the vast majority of men and women respond in this way, and that’s something I’ve seen in both my clinical experience and in the published research on relationships.

Reason #2: Because Talking Won’t Necessarily Bring You Closer

There are many ways to get closer as a couple if your relationship has grown apart.

Simply talking about how dissatisfied you are with the relationship isn’t one of them.

Let’s examine why relationships start to feel rote or disconnected in the first place. It’s not because couples stopped talking.

It’s because one or both partners lose touch with each other. They get too busy to even wonder what their partner is experiencing or thinking.

They stop doing fun things together. They stop touching each other. They stop tuning in to their partner in any meaningful way.

After a while, they no longer feel as if their partner has their back or can provide the support they need.

I’m not saying there’s no place for talking in a relationship. I’m saying that there are much more effective ways of reconnecting with your partner—physically, emotionally and spiritually—that don’t involve “talking” about it.

Some of these ways involve:

• Doing fun things together
• Certain kinds of physical touch
• Managing your thoughts
• Being present to your partner in specific ways
• Being tuned in to the positives in the relationship

(I’ll tell you how you can learn to incorporate these more effective strategies later in this article).

And finally, the third reason why talking can create more strife and disconnection is…

Reason #3: Because You Focus On the Negative or What You DON’T Want

A lot of couples use talking for three general reasons: to complain, vent or have maintenance conversations (“what credit cards need to be paid off this month, who’s picking up the kids from practice, where are we spending the holidays this year…”)

Couples who aren’t happy in their relationship tend to focus MOST on the negative, or the complaining or venting. This negativity, whether expressed or not, has huge consequences on the relationship.

There was a study where three groups of people were told to walk toward another group who were told to harbor negative thoughts. The three separate groups were told to consciously have either positive, negative, or neutral thoughts. The study concluded that the groups who were silently harboring positive thoughts had a positive effect on the mood of the people who were told to harbor negative thoughts.

You read that right! Simply thinking positive thoughts can affect the low mood of people with whom you’re in physical proximity.

In other words, if you’re living with someone who is critical and angry about anything—even if they don’t say a word to you—it affects you.

If you’re always bringing up what you don’t want, and focusing on eliminating what’s negative— it affects your partner.

This is why, in relationships, it’s always better to add positives than eliminate the negatives.

If we spent the same amount of time talking about how much we appreciate our partner, talking wouldn’t drain the vitality out of our relationships.

If we asked for what we wanted instead of complaining about what we don’t want, we might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome instead of feeling disappointed yet again.

In my video program, Wake Up in a New Marriage, I reveal dozens of examples of ways you can add back positives in your relationship without necessarily having to vent, complain, explain, plea or blame.

When you make the commitment to reconnect by adding in these positives, you’ll be amazed at how quickly you can turn your relationship around and feel more affectionate and loving again with each other again.

Maybe I’ve completely confused you. Maybe all this time you’ve assumed that good communication was the key to solving any sort of problem in a relationship.

You may also be wondering how in the world you’re supposed to let your partner know when they’re doing something that annoys or concerns you.

Shouldn’t you be honest about what you’re thinking and why you’re upset? How will anything change if you never talk about what needs to change?

I’m not suggesting that good communication is irrelevant, or that you have to lie or stay quiet about how upset or unhappy you are. It doesn’t mean you can never complain to your partner!

You just need to know HOW to communicate in a way that doesn’t trigger shame or shut him down. Or that doesn’t make her feel unheard and unloved.

In other words, it takes knowing how to reconnect in your relationship.

There are myriad ways to do this and most of them don’t involve talking and talking and talking (and getting nowhere). I realize that most of us weren’t taught how to do this.

But I’ve been solving this dilemma of how to improve relationships in more effective ways for more than 40 years.

I’ve analyzed hundreds of studies on relationship dynamics and communication styles. I’ve tested the theories and learned what works and what doesn’t in my clinical practice with real couples with real issues.

And what I’ve seen is that it is possible for couples to soften toward each other, become more affectionate and recommit to their love by focusing on reconnecting rather than constantly talking about their problems.

They applied my strategies and stopped complaining and started enjoying their life together again.

They fell back in love because they focused on adding back positives instead of eliminating negatives.

And if you’re struggling in your relationship, I know these strategies will work for you, too.

How To Improve Your Relationship And Reconnect…Without Talking About It

If you strengthen your connection—or how you relate to each other, show up, behave, and tune in—you’ll be surprised at how little intensity and impact the issues you’re facing now will have on your daily life.

You’ll stop having heavy conversations that lead nowhere.

You’ll focus on the solutions, and you’ll approach each other in a more positive, trusting way.

He’ll stop trying to avoid you, and your relationship will feel loving again.

Focusing on your connection can make you both happier, and bring you close again.

It can allow you to overcome just about any crisis, solve just about any issue and feel closer than you did—even when you were first falling in love.

I know it can, because I’ve worked with thousands of couples in my 40+ year career and have helped them transform their relationship, no matter what problems they were facing, by showing them how to reconnect and stay connected.

But I can’t possibly work individually with everyone who needs that kind of help. That’s why I’ve partnered with Flourish, so I can extend that help and guidance to as many people as possible, since almost all couples can benefit from these insights and tips.

When you subscribe to our FREE Relationship Advice Newsletter, you get access to more articles like these, from an accomplished community of carefully selected experts (like me!).

You’ll also learn:

• How to “break-up proof” your relationship by getting to the bottom of WHY you feel dissatisfied, resentful, unloved or bored with your partner, and the specific tools to help you reconnect and fall deeply in love again.
• How to address the underlying issues related to almost any relationship problem you’re experiencing, whether it’s your partner being inconsiderate, or growing apart in your relationship, or dealing with financial issues or a lack of passion.
• Specific things you can do on your own to improve your marriage, even if your partner is not on board, or you can’t seem to be able to discuss your concerns with them right now.
• Get specific tips on how to improve your connection with your partner without having to engage in long, drawn-out discussions or even couples’ therapy.
• What research has shown to be the single greatest predictor of divorce, and what you can do today to reverse this if you recognize it in yourself or your partner.

Simply enter your name and email address in the box, and you’ll get all this plus much, much more.

It’s free, it’s easy, and you’ll be amazed at what a difference the tips and insights will make in your relationship!

A relationship doesn’t need to lose passion and connection, just because you’ve been together for a long time. Just the opposite! It should get sweeter and more loving with time.

Marriage CAN be enlivening and wonderful, if you have the right knowledge and tools.

The advice contained in the articles I’ve written for Flourish will help you uncover the hidden issues that are draining your relationship of joy and passion, and help you create and maintain a strong foundation of love and respect, so that your relationship can last a lifetime.

May you have an extraordinary day,