“If You Really Loved Me, You’d (Fill In The Blank).” The Shocking Truth About Your Desires And Expectations

by Margaret Paul

Do you wonder if your partner really loves you?

Sure, they may SAY they love you, but then they haven’t touched you in what seems like days. They seem to want to avoid you, working overtime or absorbed in a hobby outside the house. You’ve caught them looking at attractive people when you’re out in public together and it makes you feel dumpy.

Maybe they contradict you a lot or play “devil’s advocate” when you’re sharing a new idea you’re excited about, so you find yourself feeling misunderstood or unsupported.

They don’t return your calls or respond to your texts as regularly as they used to, so you no longer feel important to them.

And they’re not initiating lovemaking as much as you’d like, which makes you feel less desirable, too.

You find yourself often thinking, “If you really loved me, you would (fill in the blank).”

And then, when they don’t do this or that, concluding that they must NOT really love you!

Has your partner CHANGED? Are you not their priority anymore? Are they no longer devoted to you? It sure seems like it.

Something IS missing in your relationship, but the shocking truth is, it has nothing to do with your partner and how they’re behaving. They’re certainly not doing anything to “make” you feel a certain way.

Your hurt, anger, and disappointment have a different source altogether. Let me explain…

It’s Not Your Partner’s Behavior That Hurts, It’s Something Else

There’s a part of us that constantly longs to feel loved, accepted, and understood.

When we first fall in love, we get a lot of adoration and attention from our partner. They tell us how special we are. They show us that we’re important to them with their actions, because they text us several times a day and can’t wait to spend time with us. They agree with us about almost anything.

We feel filled up, attractive, powerful…like the universe is conspiring in our favor every day.

Then, when our relationship “settles in” and our partner—who still loves us—stops paying as much attention to us or reverts to a more comfortable way of being, we can feel like something is missing.

We think they can give us what’s missing. We begin to expect certain things from them.

And when they’re not meeting our expectations, it hurts.

That’s because that part of you that constantly longs to feel loved, accepted, and understood (what I call the “wounded self” because it has roots in childhood abandonment) has a long list of expectations regarding how your partner will or should act if he or she cares about you, or if you are important to him or her.

Then, when your expectations are not met, you feel hurt, angry, or disappointed, believing that these feelings are being caused by your partner rather than by your expectations.

Here’s a truth that may be hard to accept, at first: the following behaviors may have nothing to do with whether or not your partner loves you or cares. Your partner may have many good reasons for behaving in these ways, reasons that have nothing to do with you.

• Doing things they like without asking you to join them
• Wanting to spend money the way they want
• Not remembering your anniversary
• Not losing or gaining weight
• Not working less or making more money
• Keeping the house messy
• Being attracted to others
• Not wanting to spend more time with you
• Not initiating special times for the both of you to be together
• Not watching TV with you or not watching so much TV
• Not going to bed at the same time you do
• Being friends with people you don’t like

It may seem like when your partner does (or doesn’t do) these things, it’s a personal affront and a reflection of your lovability or worth, but it isn’t.

So why does it FEEL personal, and why does it hurt so much when your partner isn’t giving you the adoration, consideration, or understanding you’ve gotten used to getting from them?

For a very simple but profound reason:

We Feel Hurt When We Expect (And Don’t Get) From Others What We Are Not Giving Ourselves

It is vitally important for you to get that when you’re feeling angry, hurt, or blaming your partner for being unloving or inconsiderate, it’s not due to your partner’s “negligence,” it’s due to fear and insecurity inside of yourself.

Simply put, you’re expecting your partner to give you the love, consideration, acceptance, and understanding you’re failing to give yourself.

Deep down, you may not think you’re desirable, important, or worthy of attention, so you’re looking for validation and security from external sources, like your partner. Or your friends, family, or job.

Instead, you need to find a way to give yourself the attention and consideration from an internal source that can NEVER neglect you: your higher self or the divine source of love within.

When you know how to access your higher self and divine love, you will do what you need to do to take loving care of yourself, you’ll give yourself what you need, and you’ll no longer get so hurt when your partner is doing regular things to take loving care of themselves.

When you learn how to take loving care of yourself and give yourself the attention, consideration, and understanding you crave:

You won’t be hurt when they spend time with friends or hobbies, because you’ll have interests you like doing on your own, too.

You won’t be hurt when they want to stay up later than you to read a book or get caught up with work, because you’ll want them to enjoy their leisure time as much as you want to take care of your own need for rest.

You won’t be hurt when they speak their truth, even if it contradicts yours, because you’ll appreciate their unique wisdom and viewpoint.

You won’t be hurt when they’re attracted to others, because you’ll feel secure in their commitment to you.

That’s what taking loving care of yourself can do for you and for your relationship. It can make you peaceful, happy, and content no matter what your partner is doing or not doing.

What does it mean to take loving care of yourself?

It’s probably not what you think it is:

How To Take Loving Care Of Yourself And Stop Being Disappointed Over Unmet Expectations

Taking loving care of yourself isn’t the same as being self-indulgent. It’s not a form of selfishness, either.

It also doesn’t mean that you need to be okay being alone or that you shouldn’t have normal needs for companionship or touch. Those are NORMAL needs that every human being has a right to desire and expect.

Taking loving care of yourself is none of those things. It is an internal process, and it’s one that I’ve developed after working with thousands of clients in private practice over the course of my decades-long career in helping others heal.

This process—which I call Inner Bonding—is powerful and transformative. It’s contained within my 30-day video program, Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love, and it can help you discover the truth about what’s causing your anger and pain, and how to take the specific loving action that will help you heal that pain.

My program will help you use conflict in your love relationship to learn what you need to give yourself (instead of always looking to your partner to give you what you can ONLY give yourself).

You’ll also learn the difference between needs that can ONLY be met through another—such as the ones I just mentioned about companionship and touch—and needs that can ONLY be met from within.

You’ll also learn:

• How to speak up for yourself
• How to set boundaries
• How to advocate for your needs for touch, companionship, and the other needs that only your partner can provide
• When to know if your partner can NEVER meet those needs (when to leave)
• And much, much more

When you go through my program, you’ll be astounded at how upside-down some of your assumptions about love and relationships have been up until now. You’ll also be thrilled at how easily you can change the way you feel about yourself and your partner when you incorporate the skills and processes in my 30-day program.

Blessings,

P.S. Does your partner resist doing what you ask, withdraw, yell, run away, or say mean things to you? If so, you have to know that it has nothing to do with YOU. Their unloving behavior is a 5-year-old acting out, and a result of them not loving or caring for THEMSELVES.

This is another way that my program, Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love will open your eyes and help you deal with conflict in your relationship. You’ll finally SEE what’s really going on inside you AND your partner, and what you both need in order to come to a more peaceful, loving place inside your relationship.