by Margaret Paul
Does your beloved do or say certain things that trigger either a welling of tears or a burst of intense anger inside you?
For example, when:
- They are late coming home from work or an event and don’t call to let you know.
- They don’t stand up for you when you’re criticized by a friend or family member.
- They wander away from you in a crowded place.
- They lavish attention and affection on someone.
- They say something that you perceive as critical.
- They don’t tell the truth.
When things like this happen, you find yourself feeling either enraged or aching with sadness deep in the pit of your stomach.
If there are certain things your loved one does or says that cause you to react in a way that’s too big for the situation, then it’s likely because an old emotional wound is being activated.
This type of old emotional wound is called an “abandonment wound.”
You’re not alone in this. We all have abandonment wounds.
And sometimes the feelings that get triggered from these old wounds get so intense that you may even want to end your relationship, or wonder if you should start over with someone else.
But that would be a mistake.
The truth is, you’re far better off staying in the relationship where you’re being triggered (unless there is physical or emotional abuse), because staying can help you heal the wound.
In this article, I’m going to explain more about why you’re being triggered and why it’s better to stay and heal the wound. Then I’ll reveal what you can do to regain a sense of personal power in the face of these very intense emotions.
But first, let’s examine why abandonment wounds are so common and where they originate.
The Emotional Wounds That Are At The Bottom Of Much Relationship Strife
We all have abandonment wounds. But what are they?
Abandonment wounds are emotional states in which, at the core, we feel neglected, rejected, insecure, or cut off from a source of vital love.
I do not believe it is possible to grow up in our society without some abandonment wounds. These wounds originate in childhood and occured when our caregivers did or said things that made us feel abandoned or neglected, and these can range from being left to cry in a crib, to having an absent parent, to being emotionally abused, yelled at or shamed by parents, teachers, or peers.
Abandonment wounds could even happen if mom or dad forgot to pick us up from school one time, or were frequently too busy to give us the attention we needed.
Something happened that made us afraid, ashamed, sad, or even panicked.
When we are deeply wounded at a young age, we cannot handle the pain, so we find ways to dissociate from the intense feelings—or stuff them down into our subconscious.
Then, later in life, especially when we fall in love, these old wounds can get activated. Our beloved gets angry, withdraws, gives attention to someone else, says mean things, misunderstands us, and so on—and suddenly the pain that has been pushed aside all these years comes roaring to the surface.
That happens because…
Abandonment Wounds From The Past Become Triggers In The Present
We think that we are reacting to the present situation, but what is really happening is that old, unhealed wounds have been triggered.
We might find ourselves suddenly enraged or falling apart with intense tears. Our reaction is out of proportion, yet we cannot seem to stop the inner pain.
We want our beloved to take the pain away by stopping his or her behavior. We think, “If only he or she would not do that thing, we’d be fine.”
Yet until we actually heal these old, deep wounds, we will not be fine. We will always be vulnerable to having these wounds activated.
That’s why it’s so important not to ignore these wounds or leave the relationship in an attempt to get away from the unpleasant feelings. Unless you face what’s happening, and address it head-on, these wounds will just keep reappearing—either in your current love relationship or in future relationships, if you choose to move on.
While it may not be easy (especially at first), staying in your current relationship and working on healing your emotional wounds can have long-term rewards.
Step One Is Staying, Rather Than Leaving, To Heal Your Emotional Wounds
When you and your beloved can agree to support each other through your healing process, then the relationship becomes a wonderful arena for healing, learning, and growing.
The first step is paying attention and staying with the feelings that are arising, instead of automatically blaming your partner and their behavior for your feelings.
When you try to make the painful feelings go away by looking for a “scapegoat,” it only serves to re-wound you. Staying with the feelings and not automatically assigning blame, but instead getting curious about your feelings, is a more positive approach.
If the pain or trauma seems stuck in your body no matter what you do, or you often feel frozen in reaction to fear, then you may need to seek out a practitioner who knows how to help you release the trauma out of your body.
Otherwise, bringing gentle awareness to your emotions and your body’s sensations, can help dissipate some of the energy around the abandonment wound.
The more you do your own inner work and become reliably loving with yourself, the more you create the safe arena for both you and your partner to do the deep level of work you need to do to heal the wounds of the past and move into your personal power.
The more you learn to be kind and compassionate toward yourself and define yourself by your essence rather than by your wounded self, the easier it is to be kind and compassionate with your partner.
It is only when you no longer abandon yourself by subconsciously lashing out or denying your feelings, that the old wounds begin to heal.
Eventually, your partner’s behavior that previously triggered your intense reaction will no longer do so. You may feel sad or lonely when your loved one gets angry or withdraws in some way, but as long as you continue to show up for yourself, the intense pain will not be there.
How to Show Up for YourselfYour Next Step To Healing Your Emotional Wounds Is Learning How Connect With Your Infinite Source Of Love
Once these old wounds are healing, you will feel a new sense of personal power.
Your partner’s behavior will no longer trigger you into these intensely painful feelings. However, a word of caution: you may think it is healed, only to discover another level as you move into a more intimate relationship with your partner.
The closer the relationship, the deeper the wounds that get activated.
That is why the primary relationship is the most powerful arena for healing.
When you learn how to stay present with your feelings, you can then take the next step toward transforming the pain into a catalyst for healing, which is to connect to your infinite source of love within.
And that’s exactly what my 30-day video program, Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love, can show you how to do.
Using a process I’ve developed called Inner Bonding, you (and your partner) can learn to connect with your infinite source of love within.
As you each learn to feel the love within, you gradually learn to define yourselves as this love. You each recognize that your soul is a part of this love, and therefore lovable and worthy. The more you each define your intrinsic worth as love, the fuller you each feel inside, and eventually you both feel so full of love within that it comes spilling out to be shared with each other.
Loving yourselves brings each of you the safety and security you might have been seeking from each other.
Now, instead of trying to get love from each other, and feeling abandoned when you don’t get it, you are each sharing your love with your partner. Ironically, you are now each giving to the other what you have wanted from each other but were unable to freely give previously.
Ignoring the abandonment wound or redirecting it by blaming your partner is the major cause of relationship failure.
Learning to love yourself is what heals relationships.
My program will help you do just that, and will also show you how to heal from:
- betrayal
- people-pleasing
- communication breakdown
- fear of intimacy
- the inability to speak your truth
and much more. It’s all here, and you can start watching risk-free in a matter of minutes:
Transform Pain Into LoveSo, instead of shutting down or leaving your relationship, learn to love yourself, and create the relationship you’ve always wanted.
Even if just one of you decides to learn to love yourself, your relationship system might change enough to turn the relationship around. If it doesn’t, and the relationship comes to an end, then at least you won’t be taking the same protective patterns into your next relationship.
You have nothing to lose by learning to love yourself!
Blessings,
P.S. Day 29 of my 30-day program, Wildly, Deeply, Joyously In Love is all about healing the abandonment wound from within your relationship.
On that day, you’ll learn what action I recommend you and your beloved start taking right away to help you feel more secure in your love and to help heal your abandonment wound. I’ll give you a hint: it will feel very cozy and loving when you do it.
Find Out More