by Pat Love
Are you and your partner unhappy in your relationship right now?
You’re fighting a lot more. Your partner is often snide or critical and you’re constantly on the defense. You’re frequently complaining about what they haven’t gotten around to doing yet. They say that things would be a lot better if you weren’t always nagging or controlling.
Because of all these fights and arguments, you’ve physically withdrawn from your partner. You don’t hug and kiss much. You barely acknowledge each other. You ask them a question and they don’t even look up from their smartphone to answer you.
You often go to bed at different times, You’re not being as intimate. You’re not even reaching for each other the way you used to when you were first together.
Maybe your partner is off doing his or her thing a lot, and you feel lonely and abandoned.
All the fighting, avoidance, and sarcasm are a wet towel over what was once a warm, loving marriage.
It just doesn’t feel like much of a partnership anymore. You’re not even sure your partner LIKES you, and you’re beginning to wonder if maybe you’ve lost loving feelings for them, too.
You can’t be sure what all this means in the long run.
You wonder: does all this conflict mean your marriage is just going through a rocky patch, or headed for divorce?
If you relate, keep reading, because in this article, you’ll learn why this is happening, and what you can do to turn things around and feel in-sync and in love with your partner again.
Sometimes It’s Not The Conflicts That Cause You To Disconnect From Your Partner, It’s The Lack Of Connection That Causes Conflict
First of all, you’ll be happy to hear that the fact that you’re fighting and arguing doesn’t predict anything about the future of your relationship.
In fact, some couples can fight like cats and dogs, make up the next day, and then go right back to enjoying the loving, affectionate, passionate connection they had BEFORE they fought.
In other words, they can shake it off and be close again.
Arguments and disagreements can be a pressure relief valve for some couples. Once the pressure of pent-up frustrations is released, it’s back to normal, and there’s no lasting damage to the marriage.
For some couples, however, conflict has a different meaning, and it’s a warning sign.
Conflict can be a warning sign that your connection is weak.
You’re not feeling disconnected because you’re in conflict… you’re in conflict because you and your partner have disconnected—emotionally, physically, or socially.
When you’re disconnected, it can show up as not having each other’s back. It’s feeling as if you don’t trust your partner to care about you or your feelings. It’s lacking a sense of stability in the relationship.
When you’re disconnected you feel like you’re on your own instead of in a loving, supportive relationship.
That’s why when you feel disconnected, you don’t turn to your partner to work through problems, your problems become all you see.
This is how conflict goes from being a normal part of a relationship to a warning sign. It’s a warning that things could keep getting worse until you split up, if you don’t handle the root cause—NOW.
You Can Arrive at the Right Solution When You Focus on the Right Problem
You may have assumed the root cause of your conflict is whatever you’re in conflict about. For example:
- Not bringing up important information with your partner
- Not spending enough quality time together
- Sarcastic or critical comments that hurt your feelings
- Nagging, nit-picking, or controlling behavior
And up until now, you’ve may have assumed that the only way out of these conflicts is working through or discussing ways to “fix” these specific problems.
Has this gotten you very far?
Probably not, because you’ve been focusing on the wrong problem.
The problem isn’t that you’re being rude to each other, or not communicating in an effective way, the problem is that you’ve become disconnected, and that’s why you keep having conflict.
When you can work on improving your connection, you’ll not only will you be able to resolve your conflict much easier, but you’ll experience even more benefits:
- Greater intimacy and closeness
- More physical affection
- A better sex life
- More support
- More love
- More joy!
When you feel connected with your partner, you WANT and are MOTIVATED to speak kindly to each other. You look for ways to spend more quality time together, because you enjoy that so much. You hold hands, you hug, you kiss and cuddle. It feels wonderful, so you do it.
You care about how they feel and they care about how you feel.
You do things together because you're each other’s best friend, and it’s a pleasure.
When you have a strong, loving connection, conflict is a temporary glitch instead of a major obstacle. It’s an opportunity to get closer instead of being a wedge that pulls you more and more apart.
How To Fix Your Connection And Turn Conflict Into An Opportunity For Closeness And Understanding
Whatever you’re in conflict about now, there IS a way out of it, and you don’t need to keep focusing on what’s wrong. All you need to do is work on fixing your connection.
When you fix the connection, you fix the conflict. AND you become more supportive and affectionate with each other.
And the best part is that you can strengthen your connection even without your partner’s full cooperation, because there are strategies to bring closeness and intimacy back to a relationship that don’t necessarily involve talks or discussions.
For instance, you can fix your connection with specific, non-verbal techniques, by making small changes in how you approach your partner, or by using body language and touch.
Fixing your connection is simpler than you imagine, and it can really turn your relationship around quickly.
And here’s the best news: Once you fix your connection, the conflict you’re experiencing now will dissolve or become less of an issue, and you’ll be happier and much more loving toward one another again.
You’ll stop being cranky, critical, or giving each other the silent treatment. When you fix your connection, you’ll be able to give each other the benefit of the doubt, make compromises on things you don’t agree on, and talk things through instead of withdrawing.
Conflict will be an opportunity to learn more about each other, instead of being another wedge between you.
You’ll grow to love the challenges as much as the easy times, because you’ll grow closer as a couple when things go wrong than when things are always going right.
Couples who are connected know how to turn conflict into fuel for deeper understanding, devotion, and passion in their relationship.
Couples who are disconnected use conflict as an excuse as to why they’re not happy together.
That’s how important it is to know how to stay connected with your partner, no matter what.
In my program, Wake Up In A New Marriage, I’ll show you 5 simple but powerful ways to fix the connection between you and your partner, so you can create a more resilient, joyful marriage.
You’ll learn:
- The biological and evolutionary reason why relationship conflict often feels so excruciating and emotionally consuming, and how understanding this can shed light on why you may not be thriving in life if you’re not connecting with your partner
- The 5 skills of happy couples and the specific behaviors, attitudes, and actions you can take to turn any relationship problem into an opportunity to get close and stay close
- What a study on negative and positive thoughts reveals about the influence your private thoughts, moods, and attitudes can have on your partner, even when you’re not saying a word
- Specific things you can do on your own to improve your marriage, even if your partner is not on board, or you can’t seem to be able to discuss your concerns with them
There IS a way out of the bad feelings, the tears, the anger, and the resentment. The love you have for each other now is a starting point. Let me show you how to use that love to get back to a place where you’re happier together than you are apart.
May you have an extraordinary day,
